People move all the time. All with different circumstances. The circumstances of my moving was very lonesome and it shows itself more and more each day. I moved to Virginia due to work. I moved here alone without knowing anyone other than the people I knew at the office. I had no wife and kids to bring me as do many people of my company have as they are asked to move. I was alone.
I must say looking back that I never knew what alone and loneliness was until I moved here. I came with the belief that it wouldn't be so bad and I would get to know people soon enough after I moved. I came to notice after moving that work wasn't going to be the place I would find a friend. The office is made up of much older people who have their own families and lives. I don't go out and see the nightlife because that is not the type of person I am anymore. Well then I just figured, "hey it wont be so bad I have my 360 and ps3 to hold me down". Well how wrong was I?
I left my mom's house when I was 18 and lived in various places since then but never had I lived completely alone where I had no one to socialize with. I definitely underestimated the effect it would happen to me.
After a few weeks I started to feel the loneliness creeping up on me. It started following me like my shadow. This mostly affected me on weekends where I didn't have work or gym to keep me entertained and keep me out the house. I stopped wanting to play video games and just wanted to hang out with people and just socialize and chat but I had NO ONE. There was no one I could call up and invite over or go visit. All my friends and loved ones were 250 miles away. I felt as if I was in an island all alone. I never felt so desperate for a friend in my life. It is all good to be able to talk to someone over the phone or chat with them online but I needed someone in front of me that I could see and touch. I had always undervalued the importance of this until now.
Even more I would hear about my friends and family getting together and hanging out. This would just eat at me and make me feel more alone. They would tell me they wish I could be there and that would make it even worse. I wanted to be there but I couldn't I was stuck in my island alone and it was killing me.
I have been living in VA for 4 months now and I must say that things haven't changed much. I am sitting here at 2am on a Sat night typing this because I feel depressed and alone. I have no one to call and visit that I fully trust. I can say I have 1 friend here in VA but asking him to be my close friend that I can trust is a lot to ask after only 3 months of knowing him. Which leaves me being alone, lonely in this darkness that I am in. I have no one here that I can hug or cry on. The woman I love is far away and she visits my island time to time for periods of times that seem like a Compton drive by. That situation is not changing. I am living in VA for the foreseeable future, I guess the only question to ask is, will this loneliness be my only friend.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
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